This week, we read about different aspects of socializing in the US. Topics included meeting new people, types of friendships, gender roles, common courtesies, being on time, and gift giving. Please relate an experience you had relating to one of these topics.
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Reflection of Chapter10: Meeting New People
Americans are bold, and Japanese are bashful, so the Japanese are hard to make relationships with others. Althen wrote that Americans think foreigners expect to get some benefits, such as a scholarship or a letter of recommendation when they have a good relationship with others. I think the Japanese are not like that. When they make a relationship with someone, they don’t expect the person help them.
When I was a university student, I spent time with a professor who was another departments’ professor. Once a week, I drank with him and my friends. I had a good relationship with him even though I did not take his class. If we form a good relationship with a professor in our major, we will probably get a good grade. However, we did not do that.
Americans also want only friendships when they make relationships with others. I had some American friends when I was a university student. They did not ask me about money problems and help assignments. They made their friends, and they did assignments by themselves. Japanese want just friendships when they meet a new person like Americans. In my experience, Americans are intrepid, but Japanese are timid. Both countries’ people want friendships.
I can tell how Americans handle their friendship relations. Americans, no matter their gender, can “hang out”, eat lunch, have some drinks or even have sex, but it doesn’t mean that they are friends. For me, a friend is more than a person with whom you can hang out or do several things; a friend is someone you can trust and know deeply. Most Americans are probably to busy, they never have the time to worry about others, or they just don’t care about doing things with new friends. Perhaps they think that it’s enough with the friends they already have.
In Mexico, friendship is not so different. During my life, I have met a lot of people that I have called them friends. I have had lunch, drinks and hung out with them; however, not all of them are my friends. I just have a few friends that are really my friends, people in with whom I can trust. It is difficult to build a friendship; it takes a lot of time. For Mexicans, friendship is a very special thing, and you never stop making friends.
Reflection of Aspects of Nonverbal Behavior
Since I came to America, I felt all the people here are enthusiastic. When I ask other people a question, they are always eager to help me. However, when I talk with Americans, I feel a little strange. At first, I did not know what the strange thing was. After I talked with more Americans I knew it was eye contact. In China, people have much less eye contact than Americans do. While two Chinese are talking with each other, they never look straight into their eyes. Specifically, Chinese will move their eyes away from you when they think about what they want to say. Thus, Chinese only make eye contact while talking. Therefore, when I talk to Americans, it is hard for me to maintain the eye contact all the time. Althen said, “Americans are trained to distrust people who do not ‘look them in the eye’ when speaking to them” (P. 49). Moreover, I should adapt to the American style of eye contact.
Another thing is facial expressions. There are more facial expressions on the Americans’ face than Chinese. Chinese do not like to show all their emotions on their faces; they try to hide their emotions. However, “Americans generally permit more emotion to show on their face” (P.48). When I talk with Americans, I find the expressions on there face to be abundant. Sometimes, I can know what they mean through their expressions. However, in China, people do not like to use too many expressions to show their emotions. Chinese also smile during the conversations, but it is just to be friendly and polite.
In brief, using eye contact is important to communicate with Americans; it can make people trust you. Learning how to use the expressions is also helpful for communication in American.
Reflection of Gender Roles and Friendship
Gender roles of men and women are different between Americans and Koreans.
Americans generally do not distinguish men’s and women’s relationship. Most Americans think all men and women are equal, and this role shows individual equality as important American value. Also, Americans truly seem to be intimate friends without reference to the opposite sex, and they also do not distinguish about it.
However, Koreans are really different from Americans. Korean girls and boys have been treated differently. It was because they had different roles in traditional Korean society. Also, men were trained to be brave and strong, whereas women were taught to be kind and generous. Many grandparents and adults have never thought that men and women are equal. Moreover, they usually say, “A boy and a girl should not sit together after they have reached the age of seven”. Thus, they will not accept a boy and girl being close friends.
Nowadays, the young generation is changing then idea about gender roles and friendship. They think that men and women are equal. But so far, being friend with the opposite sex is a little bit hard for them because most women and men learned about the gender gap from their parents.
Chapter 10: Social Relationships, Gifts)
Reflections
After being in the United States for almost a month, I started realizing the cultural differences. These differences are not only between this place's customs and my home country's (Saudi Arabia), but also between the various cultures I am exposed to in the international English center I am attending. One aspect I could not help but noticing is the gift giving habit. Back in Saudi Arabia, gift giving is an encouraged act among people by both religion and common practice. It is considered one of the very main factors to strengthen the bonds between people. In our religion, this practice is encouraged both with a reason and without; one of the very old sayings we have is “give a gift only for the fact the other person is a human being!”
Then again, the morals of gift giving in the perspective of different cultures vary. For example, if some Americans are given a gift from someone they do not expect to get a present from, they might simply not accept it; this is considered a taboo in Arab and Muslim culture. Another thing Americans would do, that I had experienced myself, is that they would give the present with the receipt. If one stops to think about it, he will find it very practical in case the recipient had the same item or needed to exchange it for something that is more useful to them! But this alone is considered very shameful in the Saudi Culture, because prices are an avoided topic; it is like an unwritten law that it's forbidden to talk about this issue. On the other hand, if a Saudi or an Arab in general, receives an unexpected gift, they would appreciate it and probably try to give something that is more impressive in return.
One of the very funny stories I heard from a Saudi friend is an event that happened to him in Japan. According to him, one of his classmates had become sick and could not show up in school for couple of days, so the Saudi decided to go to his house and get him a present. The Saudi got him a very nice bouquet of white flowers, which symbolizes purity and loyalty in our culture, and are often used in such occasions. The guy showed up at the Japanese guy's door step and rang the bell. When the mother opened the door and saw this present in his hand, he was shocked by a slap on his face. Of course, he did not know where he went wrong until his Japanese friend apologized to him and explained that white flowers meant that he's wishing him death!
This custom may differ in details among cultures. However, I personally thing that gift giving is a very nice habit that people should use more often and consider it as a tribute to start new friendships.
Average Americans seem to have a tendency to greet a strange easily. When I first came to the United States, it was one of the most inadaptable things encountered. Every now and then, it still feels odd to be greeted by a total stranger. This is because we do not greet strangers person politely in Korea. If a stranger greets me, I quickly think whether I know him/her or not. If someone greets me, it normally means that the person knows me from somewhere. As in most countries, it is considered rude to be unrecognized by the person one greets. A foreigner from the opposite culture from that of Korea, would feel very comfortable and strained.
One of the most important social rules in the culture of Korea is that younger persons greet elders to show proper respect. This rule has sometimes causes problem to your because of being applied inflexibly, strictly, and uncontrollably in Korea. . It seems true that our rules of etiquette based on respect cannot be explained without formality. Because we have believed that it is behavior as much as posture, some insist that we should change Korean greetings into American ones. In fact, some traditional rules have lost their position by Flunkeyism , and our traditionally high level of manners were unfortunately ruined because of a confusing education system. I believe that problem solving to this social issues and the disorder of one’s values will bring back the rules of etiquette and continue to educate future generations on the importance of person greetings.
There may be more differences than you think about friendship in Korea. Actually, the idea that Koreans have strong thoughts that the gender roles between men and women should be seperated or men and women are too different to be friends is right word just for people over the age about 50. But, this is no longer true for young people. Like Americans, many Koreans get together very often. Especially in the University, Koreans often go to coffee shops, retaurants,downtowns, karaoke and beer bars together and talk to each other. Also, Koreans at CESL, consisting of 4guys and 2girls, took a trip to Las Vegas, went bowling and shopping center together.
But Koreans still have old fashioned thoughts about gender roles like "men don't have to house chores", or "cooking is women's duty". Of course, it has been changed alot compared to 80s or 90s. One research which was taken lately by "Kook-min newspaper" in Korea shows that 62% of men, who are between the age of 20~30, are willing to do house chores . But it's just for young men and just a research. In reality, there are still many young husband who usually just let their wife do house chores. I think it's different from Americans. I heard many American men help their wife to do house chores practically. I think it should be changed soon.
Reflection of Gender Roles and Friendship
According to the book, most Americans don’t care about having friends of the opposite sex with any assumption of sexual interaction. I believe, with respect to the sexual part, that the author is flowering American excessively. There is a funny famous joke I’ve heard numerous times. In most old horror movies, to rejuvenate the body of witches or warlocks, one had to find a virgin’s blood. However, we do not see this kind of scene anymore in recent movies. The answer is simple: there are no more virgins in America.
Compared to America, the situation of Korea is not that different. Even though Koreans still do not discuss sexual issues, those are opener to the public than before. In the old days of Korea, being with a person of opposite sex was a kind of taboo, but today’s, Korean carries new notions of gender relationships from western. This has changed our point of view concerning watching one man and woman being together. Now, we even consider people who have not their opposite sex to be a dumped one or an idiot who is incapable of finding a spouse; thus, sometimes people are afraid of moving with a group of people of same gender or roaming alone. It can be misunderstood easily.
In addition, new affection of viewing relationship from western culture has also converted our concepts towards people being with same gender. For example, if we see a pair of men, we might think it is weird. In this case, majority of Korean will regard them as homosexuals or losers who have no girl friends. In contrast to males, a group of females doesn’t encounter this problem in Korea. Regarding this fact, Korean males suffer from asking a lady to join their group to make themselves look normal, including me.
When Americans establish their relationships, they set aside their personal space. It can be explained by individualism. The term “individualism” has been misunderstood as egotism by many people in my country. However, the actual meaning of individualism can be defined as “being independent and self-reliant.” They’ve come to know about this and making progress toward having an American lifestyle based on it.
In my county, mutual relationships are very important for our life. It may be influenced by the geographical circumstances. The size of my country is not bigger than a single state of America. Even if someone moves out, they are still close, so people can approach them easily. In addition, the population density is ten times higher than America’s. It’s no doubt that all of the nation’s people are connected by at least two degrees of separation. Consequently, it is fatal to gain a bad reputation. Occasionally, people reluctantly meet their friends. If they refuse to see them, they might be severely disappointed. People in my country have a high expectation of their friendships. Unlike many Americans, who use their time efficiently, people in my country often waste their time regardless of their schedules. They dislike being alone, so they accompany their friends whenever they go shopping, eat and even go to the library. People waste their time to comply with their friends’ requests.
Recently, I read an article about Korean university students becoming individuals. People who commented about that had two different points. Some people say that it is a good phenomenon because we have been wasting too much time for companionship. On the other hand, some people say it can generate depression and a distant society. I agree with the former opinion. People have to notice it and should understand the good point of individualism.
Reflection:
Gender Roles and Friendship Ch. 10
What do you think is a friend? I believe a friend should be a person who makes you feel comfortable doing everything with. Do you think it is possible having friends of the opposite sex? Can you share everything with the opposite sex, even your sexual ideas? When I was young, I believed that I could have male friends who I treat exactly the same as I treat my female friends. Unfortunately, I have realized that having the opposite sex as a friend does not work. Men and women have a different brain structure, and also we have natural impulses which drive us to act differently, depending on what sex you are with. Of course, marriage is quite different from what I am saying. If you get married to someone, you will share your whole life with your fiancé forever. In this case, you are sure that he or she will never disappoint you or never break your heart, so you feel totally comfortable sharing ideas. As everyone does, when people describe their friends, they distinguish the group as “male” friends and “female” friends. It means people already regard the different sex friends are distinct from their own sex friends. As the author mentioned, Americans seem natural interacting and communicating with the other sex, but still they do not share ideas deeply. It is like a small talk or like chattering.
In my case, when I talk to people, I define the line between men and women. In other words, I am pretty sure that I act, speak, and move a little differently when I am with guys. I do not feel a hundred percent comfortable being with guys, even if I have known them for long. It should be cultural differences, but it is still up to what your sex is and how you were raised by your parents.
Among the elements Americans consider to be part of courtesy, some are common to other cultures such as saying say hi to others or thanking them after receiving a gift or a satisfying service. What I have learned in Tucson, and which is very different from my country, is to say ‘’hi’’ to the bus driver or even thank him while getting off the bus.
In my country, in Ivory Coast the bus drivers are not supposed to talk. In general the customers ignore them. I remember having talked to the bus driver only to ask for a direction as I was getting on the bus. Ivorians usually talk with taxi drivers because the size of cars allows interactions between people.
I like to interact with bus drivers and what surprises me, they also like that. They usually ask me where I come from because of my accent. Furthermore, another common question is about my hair style.
Now I pay attention to always give a smile even if I do not know the driver. As well, Americans always add “please” to their requests, and this means that they care for the other person’s availability. Finally, the amazing thing is the courtesy services. For example, “Safe Ride” provides courtesy shuttles to university students. From these facts, it is obvious that courtesy is intensively part of procedures and habits of Americans.
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